Today and Tomorrow
I’ve been absent the last few months while I have been focusing on other aspects of my life. The truth is that I’ve taken a bit of a break from my blog, and from dating, although the stories I share have taken place over several years and there is plenty of fodder to nourish my writing. As I get back to it, I want to share a post I wrote last year when I preparing to start this blog. Some may think it a bit sad, and I debated whether to write, and then whether to post, this entry. However, the dating scene is a bit of a roller coaster, complete with twists, turns, ups and downs. To make it seem like I don’t have difficult times on this ride would be to give a false sense of my reality. Here goes.
Today I just feel sad. And it’s a very consuming sadness. Tomorrow will be a new day. This evening might even be a whole better evening, after I write this, but right now I’m sad. I’m still thankful every day that I’m out of the relationship I was in - my needs were not met in it. I’ve been single for several years now. I’ve watched my ex-husband marry a former friend. I see the joy that other people take in their relationships – it makes me smile. I’ve taken comfort in the wonderful friendships that I have, but today I feel lonely. Today I’m painfully aware that I lack the companionship and love that I see others finding in their partners.
For some reason over the last few days I’ve been thinking a lot about the few men I’ve met who I really liked, but with whom things didn’t work. I wish things were different, but despite initial chemistry, best intentions, and attempts otherwise, they aren’t. I’m many wonderful things, but that doesn’t mean that everyone I want wants me, or is a good match for me.
Two men keep trapesing through my brain.
The first man I met post-divorce that I really liked snuck up on me, even though I was looking. I met him at an online dating site, but I didn’t have very high expectations. Truthfully, after my marriage my belief in my ability to be a good judge of character and pick someone worth being with was shaken. I thought he had perhaps embellished himself, the way people often do on a resume. He hadn’t, and I was pleasantly surprised. We are both intense people and things were intense between us quickly - too quickly. It freaked us out a bit. For my part I wanted to date, maybe even exclusively with the right man, but I wasn’t necessarily looking for a serious commitment. I tried to keep his attention; but it was awkward and probably I shouldn’t have. For his part, his profile said that he had been seeking something casual. Maybe he was never really open to me from the beginning. Whatever the causes, we failed to launch.
The second I went to meet for coffee after a light workout, not dolled up, not primped and polished. I had liked his profile and our conversation, but I was skeptical - perhaps because of my string of first dates that held no promise. He was lovely. He was attentive and interested. He loaned me his jacket when the weather was colder than expected. He walked me to my car and kissed me, and I thought, ‘Maybe, just maybe’ to myself as I smiled. He and I dated for about two months, but we wanted different things. We had conflicting schedules. There was chemistry, but our needs did not align well. We had dissimilar thoughts on having to accommodate children, and I have children. Simply put, we were just mismatched. He and I are still friends and he is an attractive, wonderful human being – we’re just not right for each other.
Recently I have thought about both of these men a lot. Who knows why. I self-reflect, but there isn’t much left to puzzle out where they’re concerned, and I don’t feel the need to re-play and re-analyze events. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon, or the current astrological energy. More likely, it’s because the last man I went out with turned out to be another dead end and then texted me that he met someone great – someone else great. Likely, it’s because it’s just too easy for the mind to turn back from the latest sour patch to a path that seemed so sweet – if only for a time.
Today I emotionally stumble. Tomorrow I will stand.
People ask me how I find the courage to get up and try again. It’s simple. For me the alternative is worse than the short-term failure. To sit down and not get back up means accepting the status quo, accepting that I don’t get to find the joy of a relationship, that I don’t get to receive romantic love. I refuse to accept that. So, I get up and try again.
If you find yourself where I am, here’s how you get up. Embrace the way you feel today. I don’t mean wallow endlessly, but honor it. Honoring where you are allows you to be human, to be imperfect. Do those things you must tonight and let the rest of the list wait until tomorrow. Find something that comforts you: a friend to chat with, a favorite movie, that peaceful cup-o-tea or soothing bath. Even if it feels like a guilty pleasure to indulge in it, give it to yourself. Let your tears fall if they must. Just be where you are today….and go to bed a little early if you can.
Tomorrow, you wake up. You take a deep breath and throw back the sheets. You put your feet on the floor. You think about one thing you’re going to accomplish today and you set the intention that all things are possible. You re-affirm that, in time, you will find what you need and want. Honor today and leave it behind tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day.